This is a story about Brett’s hard-headedness as a youth. He’s absolutely not hard-headed anymore, just ask the referees at his last basketball game. This is a simple story, but as usual the kids come through with the funny.

The Constitution of the United States fits on six printed pages. After the 1,990 page health care bill last year, Congress decided that bills were getting too long and too complex. Subsequently, a bill was passed limiting the number of pages that would be allowed in any single bill, known as the ‘Bill-Ceiling Bill’.

“It makes perfect sense that bills are getting longer; it’s called inflation,” Senator Bushman explains. “I’m sick of hearing these constitution comparisons. A $100 hair cut cost like 5 cents back then.”

The Bill-Ceiling has already been raised 26 times since it was originally created, and congress is in session once again to discuss another Bill-Ceiling increase for the latest revision of the ‘Corporate Donor Stimulus Bill’ which outlines the requirements under which corporations may receive a waiver for the health care bill.

When asked whether or not the Bill-Ceiling has ever caused any bills to be shortened, or prevented their passage. Senator Bushman replied, “Of course not. What a ridiculous thing to prevent important legislation from passing. We pretty much have to pass a ‘Raise The Bill-Ceiling Bill’ before we pass any new bill. In fact, our last bill to raise the ceiling was over the limit previously established.”

When asked what the purpose of the bill was, considering that the average number of pages per bill has nearly doubled since the original ‘Bill Ceiling Bill’ passed, Bushman answered, ”…to show the American people we hear them, to show we are serious about this issue. We’ll pass 1,000 more bills on this issue if we have to. Money is no object.”

The guy who led to the killing of Osama Bin Laden was captured in Iraq, and waterboarded at a Gitmo-type CIA “black site” to obtain the intelligence. Is President Obama really against everything that led us to the world’s most wanted terrorist? Let’s examine further:

Obama’s not releasing Osama pics because he’s afraid it will “enflame the enemy,” yet he pushed for the release of the photos of our troops humiliating terrorist prisoners. OK, I get it. “Hey, terrorists, we sympathize with you…” then BAM! Seal Team 6 is in their bedroom.

Obama doesn’t want to use Osama’s death photo as a trophy, yet he recently approved the release of photos of U.S. flag-draped coffins of dead U.S. soldiers. Now I understand our Commander in Chief. “Hey, terrorists, look at these photos…” BAM!! Can you see straight with a bullet between the eyes?

Obama is currently investigating and prosecuting the U.S. intelligence officers who used enhanced interrogation techniques to obtain the information used to find Osama Bin Laden. Hmmm. This is a tough one. Oh, I see. What he hasn’t told us is that the trials will be held in the kitchen of Ayman al-Zawahiri. BAM!!

For those of you not familiar with unions, they are the collective bargaining groups that allow state workers to keep their jobs after they’ve become unproductive, or there’s no longer a legitimate need for them, all while increasing their salary year after year based on a predetermined schedule unrelated to their performance.

Now get back out there and continue your search for a job, taxpayer, and make sure you work hard so the state employees can get their yearly raises!

For those of you who already have a job, and it’s funded by taxpayers, and you’ve been there long enough to have tenure so you can’t be fired:  Pick up a sign!  Reagan would’ve fired you by now for leaving all those kids without teachers for so long (he fired all the air traffic controllers), but Obama’s in office now, so times have “changed.”

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2011/02/17/AR2011021705494.html

Available only until there are no more rich people to leach off of, and the middle class goes completely extinct leaving only extremely poor, and not the kind of poor where you can still afford an iPod.

Global Warming? Climate Change? Ha!  THIS is the real threat that we should be talking about in Copenhagen Cop 15. It’s music and noise that are causing natural disasters. We have proof. Don’t be a denier! Take a look at our graphs and statistics. Green jobs are useless. We need quiet jobs. Carbon credits? Useless, but you’ll soon be getting noise credits from Uncle Sam. Cap & Trade? We’ve got Mute & Swap. Make your friends aware! We’re running out of time!  There’s no Climategate here, we’re not going to hide the decline.

Gotcha Tea Party!! Gotcha!! Finally the $100,000 prize will be awarded for getting these racists on tape. This video is gonna be bigger than the Acorn videos, baby. Violent, racist tea party members caught on tape.

Congress is having a tough time selling health care to the people, so we thought we’d give them a little help.

Mother Nature has punished North America this week with record snow fall and devastatingly dramatic drops (cool alliteration, right??) in temperature across the continent.  People are scrambling to understand where this 2,000 mile long storm came from.  The planet’s smartest and most prestigious scientists are baffled.  The world’s top universities and climate researchers are all left scratching their head.  Thankfully we have access to something that surpasses the collective intelligence of the entire scientific community.  We have access to Al Gore.

In his typical, merciful way, Al Gore saw humanity’s confusion and he swooped in to rescue us from intellectual darkness.  The short answer? Mother Nature is pissed.  “As it turns out, the scientific community has been addressing this particular question for sometime now” gloats Al Gore, before answering the question that has so many scholars perplexed. “Increased heavy snowfalls are completely consistent with what [I] have been predicting as a consequence of man-made global warming” concludes Gore.  He continues later in his blog post by summarizing that the warming creates “all sorts of havoc.”

Gore isn’t kidding.  “All sorts of havoc” doesn’t even scratch the surface.  If you think a 2,000 mile long snow storm in the U.S. is a big deal, then the weather happenings that are taking place elsewhere will shatter your universe.  If you’re not sitting down, then please find a seat before reading on.

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Ready? Ok, in December 2010, astronomers discovered a huge storm on Saturn.  They discovered in January 2011 that the storm has continued to grow.  One nerdy space article explains “In the past two weeks, the massive white patch has spread across the northern edge of the planet, spanning a length some ten times the diameter of Earth.”  There have been previous similar storms discovered on the planet.  There was a different one in 2010, one in 2006, 1994, and 1990, but there hasn’t been a storm of this size and intensity in several decades and perhaps ever.  That’s right; this could very well be the worst storm that has ever developed on Saturn.  The storm is wreaking “all sorts of havoc” on the ringed planet.

Are you still sitting? Al Gore, with all his unparalleled intellect, has made the underestimation of the millennium.  Global warming isn’t our primary concern anymore.  Our enemy is actually “Man-Made Solar Systematic and Interplanetary Warming.”  Our gluttonous consumption of carbon-emitting fossil fuels has caused more damage than we could have ever imagined…

Part two will examine how our carbon emissions on Earth have ravaged the delicate atmosphere of our solar system and what we can do to try to reverse or repair the damage that we’ve caused.