Global Warming? Climate Change? Ha!  THIS is the real threat that we should be talking about in Copenhagen Cop 15. It’s music and noise that are causing natural disasters. We have proof. Don’t be a denier! Take a look at our graphs and statistics. Green jobs are useless. We need quiet jobs. Carbon credits? Useless, but you’ll soon be getting noise credits from Uncle Sam. Cap & Trade? We’ve got Mute & Swap. Make your friends aware! We’re running out of time!  There’s no Climategate here, we’re not going to hide the decline.

Some Dude at Press Conference

Earlier this week, employees of MSNBC were startled to find a man prepping in their green room, for what he assured them was a scheduled press conference. Upon further investigation, they realized that an entire hour of their programming indeed had been reserved by one “Joe B”.

“Really, it took us all by surprise,” said Robert Hughes, the man responsible for Monday’s programming schedule. “I am usually Johnny-on-the-spot with memorizing the most important upcoming events, but this flew way under my radar.”

“It was really weird,” stated Rachel Cavendish, a photojournalist for MSNBC. “One of our janitors came out of the green room talking about ‘some crazy dude’ who ‘swears he knows President Obama’.”

“We actually had to call all the way up the chain-of-command to our  COO who told us, ‘I guess if he had the money to pay for the hour, put him on for the hour!’,” continued Hughes. “I called all the staff back to the office. They had actually all gone to a birthday lunch for one of our employees. They were pretty bummed to hear they had to come back.”

News Reporter David Roberts said, “I got a call about 10 minutes after the hour saying that some old guy had gathered everyone for a press conference. I guess none of the other news stations had really showed up yet, so they kind of begged me to come in. It was surreal. As other reporters and anchors slowly filtered in, this guy kept rambling on about how the ‘American people’ had ‘washed our memories clean of him’. It was just so strange. He was very eloquent though, like he had given speeches before or something. Maybe he’s an English professor that has won some awards?”

When asked what questions Roberts had asked the man he simply stated, “No one really asked any questions. When he opened the floor, most of us hadn’t really been paying attention. There were a few awkward moments of silence, then he yanked his mic off, and stormed off the stage.”

In the press conference, the man urged citizens to remember the Vice President and learn more about cabinet-level officers. He went on to brag about Obama’s accomplishments as President, and how nice Hillary Clinton is in person. He finished his statement by exclaiming “I’m the Vice President! I’m the VP! Don’t you know me?!”.

In it’s latest polls, MSNBC estimates roughly 2,000 people tuned in for the broadcast, and yet just over 6.5 million watched the re-run of the USA-Canada hockey game that aired directly after the press conference.

Although multiple attempts to identify the man have proven fruitless, a new lead may have been found. An anonymous letter sent from the White House to the U.S. Senate has launched an investigation into their records, stating “That man may, at one time or another, have been a senator or something.”

We here at Narf.TV will keep readers posted if the true identity of this man is ever discovered.

Is Obama trying to employ the entire United States himself? That doesn’t count as job creation, sir. As an agency creator, Obama makes FDR look like a rookie. We don’t need this much more government involvement in our lives!

by John Roberts

This week’s results episode of American Idol was a 2 hour special including a fund raiser for “Idol Gives Back”, featuring many organizations helping less fortunate individuals all around the world. It was a successful night, raising nearly $45 million. The thing that stood out most to me was the fact that our country is a piece of crap that needs to be fundamentally changed. You’ll see what I mean.

Many Hollywood stars traveled to the areas of need to tell the stories of the affected individuals and families. There were the normal stops in developing countries, showing typical stories of parents dying of malaria, leaving children parentless, when a $5 net, or some DDT would have been all that was needed. Or an AIDS infected mother who gave birth to a little girl who is also now infected with AIDS. She looked like she weighed about 20 lbs, and was about 4 years old. Totally cliche. Also about how there are 27 million slaves in the world, and a story of a girl who was nearly sold as a sex slave, blah blah blah.

Anyway, now to the really sad stuff. Did you know that there are families, right here in the United States, that have to drive to food pantries to get free food? Right here in the United States! It’s unbelievable. And also, there are some children in the United States that don’t have any books! In the United freaking States! NO BOOKS! Also, one family lives really far from the doctor so they have to get care from a doctor in an RV that travels to them. The humanity!

I’m not sure why Idol felt like the visit to other countries was necessary when there is such profound need in our own. Let’s stop fretting about the insignificant malaria and AIDS deaths, and the sex slave trade. We have our own problems.

Our system is obviously broken. The free market has failed. We need fundamental change. A free book per week to every child. Free food delivered to every home so you don’t have to go get it. A doctor in every home. Aren’t these fundamental rights for every American? I think they’re even in the Constitution.

In conclusion, let’s just get back to the constitution everyone. “Americans should have everything and everything should be free.” I’m paraphrasing of course, but I believe that was Thomas Jefferson, or the 4th ammendment or something.