Scientists hold on to the Big Bang theory like a mother gorilla to her dead baby.  The emotional attachment is too great to overcome denial.

It has been said that when you come to a conclusion before you have all the facts, that you start to interpret the facts to fit your initial conclusion.  I was taught in school that redshift measurements showing that the Universe was expanding, combined with the cosmic microwave background radiation that permeates the Universe in all directions (like a dust cloud from an explosion), meant that a Big Bang started the Universe.

Well, we have better scientific instruments and methods now… and it’s not looking good for the Big Bang theory.  I think it’s time to downgrade from “theory” to “hypothesis” or to “wrong.”

Only recently have scientists discovered that the Universe is expanding at an increasing rate, not decreasing.  That’s not consistent with an explosion.  So… that’s wrong.  They’ve also recently discovered that there are huge areas of space that are missing the “dust cloud.”  That’s not consistent with an explosion.  So… that’s wrong.

Here’s a fun one:  It was thought that the Universe was limited in size, because the matter could have only gone so far from the initial point of explosion.  Well, each time we expand the vision of the Hubble Space Telescope we find billions more galaxies farther away than we expected.  Wow, that makes for some cool photos, but it’s another dagger in the heart of the Big Bang theory.

This one’s even more fun:  Scientists use “redshift” to determine the distance from us and the speed at which objects are moving away from us.  Well, they recently found a “distant quasar” with a large redshift that is interacting physically with a close galaxy.  Wait, so it’s redshift is way larger than the galaxy that’s right next to it?  So… it has a significantly larger redshift, but it’s not far away… or moving faster… so… the Universe may not even be expanding at all?  Uh……

Scientists are now in the process of an elaborate $6 billion test to mimic the Big Bang at an incredibly small scale by smashing particles together at nearly the speed of light.  Their goal is to find the “God Particle” that is missing from their incredibly long, mysterious even to themselves in parts, and arbitrary mathematical formulas which explain the Big Bang.  Members of the team admit that if they disprove the existance of this “God Particle” that it may be the most exciting discovery possible… that they’re completely wrong.  I have to give them credit for admitting the possibility.

Mother gorilla may hold on to her dead baby for a long time, and even replace him with a human baby she finds in a deserted treehouse, but mother gorilla… your baby is dead.  Well, at least perhaps mother gorilla is finally starting to realize it.

Oh, and you can let go of Global Warming now as well.  Prophets wrote a long time ago about the increase in calamities in our day.  Scientists have only started contemplating after the fact, and their explanations and predictions have been way off even in the short term.

Here’s to the future of science.  One where they stop following the cadaver dog with the bad nose, and start a new path towards the truth.  Scientists can accomplish some pretty amazing things.  They seem too anxious to disprove the existence of God, though, and that’s where they tend to stumble.  Perhaps the one thing they will never learn, is that they can’t disprove the existance of the greatest scientist of them all.

They say they’re going to implement a discretionary domestic spending freeze at $704 billion, but that’s already $63 billion more than they said they would be spending in 2011, $82 billion more than 2012, and $79 billion more than 2013.  That’s like eating a gallon of ice cream and telling your spouse not to worry about your weight because you’ve decided that you’re never going to eat more than a gallon of ice cream each night.  The only thing freezing about that is the ice cream.

Meanwhile they’ve been pushing hard on Global Warming legislation, yet all Global Warming seems to be causing is a global freeze.  A United Nations climate expert is apologizing for wild glacier melting dire warnings by a U.N. panel in 2007 that were not backed by science, and completely inaccurate.  In fact, the only dire warnings related to Global Warming coming out lately seem to be for hypster doofuses to watch their facts.

So, hot means cold and cold means hot…  you boost the economy through crippling debt… unions are the answer to successful businesses… you keep our country safe by giving terrorists an attorney, the right to remain silent, no interrogation, and a televised civilian trial… and you keep our country free by automatically registering convicted felons and people on welfare to vote.

Well, I’m on board.  How about you?

You know what my new favorite fairy tale is?  It’s a really short one written by a new child’s author named Barack Obama.  Do you have your blanket?  Here it is:  “Many originally feared that most of the $700 billion in TARP money would be lost, but because of the management of this program by Secretary Geithner and my economic team, we’ve now recovered the majority of the funds provided to banks.”

Wasn’t that wonderful?  It may be harder to understand in it’s fairy tale form.  Let me share the true story that this tale is loosely based on:  “The taxpayers originally feared that most of the temporary $700 billion loan borrowed from China to bail out banks would never be able to be repaid, but the banks were able to pay most of it back.  Thanks to Secretary Geithner, Obama’s economic team, and White House lawyers, the government is now overriding the original intent of the this loan, and is going to use the repaid money to fund liberal programs and not use it to pay back the national debt that this loan created.”

That’s not as fun to hear, is it?  Barack is much better at writing fairy tales than I am.

When this bill was passed, Congress told us that this was just a loan to the banks, and we could potentially get all that money back.  Senators even wrote into the bill that the money, when returned, had to go to pay off the national debt that it created.  Well, now that we’re getting the money back under this new Administration, Obama’s lawyers have determined that the “wording” of the TARP bill allows them to spend the money as they please.  They don’t even need to bother us with the details.  Isn’t that wonderful?

We passed a bill that’s become a magic money kettle for liberal programs.  One that’s as big as the entire cost of the Iraq war to date.  Just think of the fun this Administration will have with it.

Here’s a fairy tale that I’m working on:  “Obama was President, and we all lived happily ever after…”  Yeah, it needs some work.  Even fairy tales have to be at least somewhat believable.

Dear White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs,

You recently responded to reporters questioning the validity of man-caused Climate Change in light of the lack of warming over the last decade and recent record colds worldwide by saying,  “I would say that there are, even in places that are used to getting very cold weather, record cold…our weather patterns have been affected by change in our climate.”

Your reasoning is certainly flawless, climate and weather are definitely related, so I don’t question your logic, but I’d really like some insight into the science behind this being linked to man-caused “Climate Change.”  I don’t remember ANY scientists predicting that carbon emissions would bring us record colds.  So, I need your help on this one.  I remember the explanations for why carbon emissions were causing warming.  You know, the CO2 gets up in the atmosphere and traps the heat from the Sun so it can’t escape back into space, right?  So, I’m wondering at what point in the process of the Earth trapping the Sun’s heat that it causes record cold.  If you could explain that one to me I would very much appreciate it.  Or maybe Al Gore?  His scientific yarns enthrall me.

Global Warming… sorry, “Climate Change” causes all kinds of tornadoes and hurricanes, right?  Because the warming of the Earth makes the weather patterns change, right?  OK, that one is easy to explain.  I mean, it’s not happening, but at least I can connect the dots on that theory.  HOWEVER, I’m REALLY having trouble explaining to my wacko conservative friends how the warming of the Earth causes record colds throughout the globe.

Any help you could give me on this would be greatly appreciated, because I’ve been shoving Global Warming down my friends’ throats for several years now, and I’m really starting to look like a complete idiot.  I’ve tried using your quote, “I think one only has to step outside… to understand that… the record temperatures that Climate Change is likely causing is with us,” but stepping outside into the record cold seems to have proven less convincing in practice than in theory.

Thanks in advance.

Why do liberals feel the need to abandon our Constitution?  I’ve finally figured it out.

Have you seen how our Founding Fathers dressed?  How can we pay attention to a document written by men in wigs and knee socks?  No, no, no.  Our Constitution must be completely out of date.

Sure, the Constitution was great while it lasted.  It took us from a point where we, as a world, had not advanced technology in 3000 years (we were still using stick-plows, the same boat designs, hand-woven clothes, cart & oxen, early death, mystical medicines) to the point where we were walking on the moon in just a couple hundred years.  This new free market, limited government idea changed the entire world and brought us electricity, engines, nuclear energy, aircraft, electronics, communications, medical research, doubled lifespan… … … (I could go on for a long time) all originating from the free private sector.

This document changed the face of the entire world, and because of it’s earth shattering success it’s principles were thought to be eternal, but how could a document possibly still apply to our modern world when it’s authors wore puffy shirts with jackets that had their collars pulled up like the Fonz?  No, no, no.

We need a NEW country.  One where there are no poor.  There are actually people in our modern world, right here in the U.S. that can barely afford an iPod.  People making minimum wage who can hardly afford a new car stereo along with so many other bills.  No!  This will not stand, you puffy sleeve button-up-vested bastards!  Our Founding Fathers clearly did not plan far enough into the future.  They failed to plan for the need for our government to take care of us, to give us health care, to control our mortgage industry, to punish the rich and redistribute their wicked wealth, to fund failing businesses and banks, and to take responsibility for saving the free market by printing money and throwing it at the liberal arts and community organizations.  They did not foresee the need for government control that is so needed in today’s incredibly prosperous world.

I mean, sure, the Constitution was great for their time.  Having people work as communities for the common good had been tried a thousand times, and they were looking for something new.  The first settlers to America learned this lesson the extremely hard way, and had 7 years of starvation, slaughtering their milk cows, eating their dogs, then their dead, until they realized what a terrible idea the community storehouse was.  Everybody took from the storehouse what they needed, and put back into it what they could.  Sounds like a great way for everyone to contribute to survival, but in practice it led to starvation and death.  Of the 9,000 that came, only 1,000 survived.  It was only when they allowed private ownership of land, allowed them to plow their own fields for their own families, and give a couple barrels of corn to the storehouse… only when they were working for the benefit of their own families… did Jamestown become prosperous, and nobody went without.

But that was then!  This is now, and we are better communities that are more willing to work for the benefit of others.  We need a new country where people care for each other, where the government is one humongous community storehouse that redistributes our individual family’s gain to the community based on individual needs.  I mean, sure it’s been used by tyrannical governments in the past as a means to lure the people into government control by people like Hitler, Stalin, Castro, Chavez, Mao, Mussolini… but WE CAN GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME.

I mean, what could a bunch of old dudes sporting shoes with buckles possibly know about what is needed in our day?  The free market and limited government were great while they lasted, but we’ve had a few bumpy years economically, so let’s change everything!  Here’s to the future, written by people in proper modern fashionable attire!

by Brett Roberts

Remember when we didn’t have dirty used car salesmen running Washington?  No?  Neither can I.

Customer:  “I want to spend $100 billion per year on government health insurance.”
Salesman:  “Well, let’s put you in this health care package right here.  Just a trillion dollars the first 10 years.”
Customer:  “That sounds perfect.  I’ll take it.”
Salesman:  “OK, you’ll get the yearly bill in the mail starting tomorrow.”
Customer:  “OK, I just need the keys.”
Salesman:  “You’ll get to drive this baby home in just 4 years.”
Customer:  “Wait, what?  I don’t get to use it for 4 years?  But I’m starting my yearly payments tomorrow.”
Salesman:  “Well, in order for it to cost just $100 billion per year you have to go 4 years without using it.”
Customer:  “Wait, so you said it was going to cost $1 trillion the first ten years.  What will it cost the second ten years?”
Salesman:  “Oh, that’s a long time away.  Let’s focus on the near future.  It’s going to cost us hardly anything these first 4 years.”
Customer:  “No duh.  How much is it going to cost in the 10th year?  I’m not buying unless you tell me.”
Salesman:  “It’ll cost about $250 billion that year, but that’s just a CBO estimate, and they’re always WAY off.”
Customer:  “Yeah, it always costs WAY more than they say.  Even their lowball estimate is two-and-a-half times more than I told you I wanted to spend!  I’m outta here.”
Salesman:  “Well, you really don’t have a say.”

The Congressional Budget Office’s (CBO) health care cost graph showing the increase in cost year to year over this first ten years looks like a climb up Mt. Everest.  To justify this bill’s cost based on the first 10 years is like pretending a teenager working at a fast food restaurant can afford a 5,000 sq. ft. house just because the loan payments on his variable rate mortgage loan start out at just $300/mo.  We all know what’s going to happen in 2 years when he owes $2,300/mo.  Oh, and let’s make this a better comparison to our current situation.  The teenager has a credit card debt of $120,000.

To make things worse, the CBO has to project their numbers based on all the fancy claims that Congress tells them is going to happen… like claiming they’re going to cut Medicare by $500 billion.  HA!  Doctors are already losing money on Medicare patients, and that would require another 21% cut in their fees, and would have to remain at that level indefinitely.  Yeah, and Congress has a totally sweet bridge to sell you as well.

They’re also telling the CBO to factor in billions of dollars in reducing a huge percentage of fraud.  Wow, the way Congress talks about this, let’s go ahead and throw in some flying cars and houses on the moon.

Other savings?  Reducing pay to hospitals, facilities, services, doctors…  Wow, that doesn’t sound like it’s going to have any effect on quality of care at all… or the number of people willing to become doctors.  Did I mention that 49% of doctors say they’ll quit if this bill passes?  I think they’re probably bluffing.  Does all this make YOU want to be a doctor?  How about your kids?

Well, the future looks bright.

Would you say that Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi have superhuman powers like vampires, or just super awesome skills and cool utility belts like Batman and Robin?  I figure it’s one of the two, because they’re passing historic and mysterious legislation at a seemingly superhuman rate and they clearly prefer to work in the darkness of night.

Harry claims to have a new health care bill, but nobody’s seen it.  It passed the senate in the middle of the night on a weekend.  It’s so exciting!  You know what would be cool, is if it was written on the back of the Declaration of Independence, and we had to steal it to be able to read it.

I don’t think Harry and Nancy are vampires, now that I think of it.  I mean, aren’t vampires supposed to be good looking?  Yeah, they’re clearly not vampires.  Of course, it’s possible that Hollywood isn’t giving us an accurate depiction of vampires.  Nah!  Hollywood would never lead us astray.  Hey, I wonder if Harry could use a copy of the health care bill as a weapon.  I mean, that thing’s gotta weigh 60 lbs.  It could stop armor-piercing rounds. 

Now I’m just rambling.  I’m sorry.  It’s just so exciting to have real heros working for us, you know?  Nasty looking, horrid creatures by day, then by night they’re saving the people of this country from themselves.  I mean, who else but some kind of superhero would have the strength of will to go completely against the desires of the people and pass a bill that has significantly less support than the legalization of marijuana and even less than Hillarycare!  That takes super strength.  Ha, now we’re back to vampires again, or maybe aliens, like Superman.

They’ve been talking a lot lately behind locked doors.  No republicans or press allowed.  I wonder if it’s because they don’t want to reveal their Batcave.  Ha, now we’re back to the Batman scenario.  Nancy IS an old bat… so does that make her a vampire or some kind of Bat Woman?

It’s all so mysterious.  It’s like a mystery novel of our real lives where we don’t get to find out what’s going to happen to us until it’s too late.  It’s all so exciting.  Who needs security when you can have excitement?  I honor Harry and Nancy, and their soon to be legendary ability to make these times some of the most exciting and eventful in history.

Buckle up, everybody.

Some hippies like to claim that they’re following in Jesus’ footsteps, and that He was the original hippie.  Was He?  Think you have to wait until the end to hear the answer?  Well, here it is:  No, Jesus was not a hippie.  In fact, Jesus was the anti-hippie.

Why are you still reading?  OK, let me lay this out for you.  Jesus dressed like a hippie.  Jesus had hair like a hippie.  Jesus spoke of peace, hope and forgiveness.  So, Jesus was a hippie, right?  WRONG!  What did I just tell you?!  Don’t get off track.

If Jesus’ attire made Him a hippie then everybody back then would have been one.  Jesus wasn’t making a statement with his attire.  He did not stand out because of his dress, nor did He stand out because of His hair.  Hippies?  You can spot a hippie almost before you can smell the pot smoke if you’re upwind.

Jesus was alert, focused, and precise in the deep wisdom He shared.  Hippies?  To interpret their drug-induced chatter as “wisdom” requires the listener to be named Lucy and to be listening while in the sky with diamonds.

Jesus lived the life of a hardworking carpenter.  During the last years of His life, His ministry, He worked harder than ever.  He honored His earthly parents and fulfilled the ultimate mission set forth by His Father.  Hippies?  I would not describe the parents of a hippie as “proud.”  Nor would I describe hippies as hard working.  I guess Jesus could be considered a wanderer during his ministry, but the comparison ends there as His goal was not finding the next free concert and weed stash.

Jesus and His apostles spoke clearly against fornication and adultery.  Hippies?  Not only were they incredibly casual in sexual partners, but their phrase “free love” made it clear that it was just one more thing that didn’t require a paycheck.

Jesus spoke of peace and forgiveness, but He also did not hesitate to kick some butt and take names when necessary.  Jesus’ message was one of how to gain peace for the individual soul, not military instruction on conflict avoidance.  Japan is now one of the closest allies of the U.S..  There is no greater peace that could’ve been gained with Japan than through military conflict.  Hippies?  War is not free, man.  If you want peace, then just have it… for free.  All you have to do is hold up signs claiming that weakness, conflict avoidance, and refusing to stand up for what is right equals peace.

Adam and Eve were given dominion “over all the earth” and given “every beast of the earth… for meat.”  Hippies?  Humans are the scourge of our Mother Earth.  Animals are our brothers.  We can’t eat our brothers.

There are no records of any statements regarding Jesus’ stance on evil corporations.

So, if you’re a hippie, stop claiming Jesus as one of your own.  If you’re an ex-hippie then you’re probably serving in the Senate or House of Representatives or producing films in Hollywood.  FYI, no matter how many films you make trying to make hippies look cool… it won’t work.  Not even Hollywood is that powerful.

Come on, Hillary, we could buy a totally sweet boat with that money.

So… Hillary has volunteered the U.S. to contribute to the $100 billion dollar international yearly pool of donations given to developing countries to fight Climate Change.  $100 billion is close to 1% of our entire GDP.  When the U.S. says it’s going to “contribute” to anything it’s like Bill Clinton saying he’s going to contribute to history’s Presidential impeachments, or Nancy Pelosi saying she’s going to contribute to the tradition of Senators playing “my word against yours” with the CIA, or a skunk saying it’s going to contribute to the smell of this campsite.  I can’t wait to hear what our “contribution” is going to be.  $50 billion per year?  $70 billion per year?  How much of this $100 billion per year is going to be used properly by the governments of these developing countries?  $1 billion?  Zero billion?  How much of it will be used to save the melting polar ice caps on Mars?  Oh, that cursed Mars Rover and it’s CO2 emissions.  The poor Martian polar bears!

Who better to pay this penalty than the most advanced, industrialized nation in the world?  Remember when we thought that was a good thing?  Shame on us.  If only we could have known this in advance so that we could have just maintained that lower standard of living and life expectancy.  No boat for us!  It’ll just emit CO2 anyway.  In fact, no more lake recreation… period!  You know what would be great for Mother Earth?  If we all lived in huts.  You know what?  I think we just might be heading towards that.  You know what else?  I think that just might be the goal.  Oh, and our increasing the world’s life expectancy may be the biggest sin of all.  Did you hear that the worst thing for Mother Earth is having children?  The sooner we can exit this world the greener and prettier the trees will be.

If there’s one thing that I’ve learned from Cop 15 in Copenhagen, it’s that Capitalism is the enemy.  We’ll never get to live in huts that way.  Look what Capitalism has made out of our young country.  We need to be penalized.  The thunderous applause for every verbal attack on Capitalism at Cop 15 certainly confirms that.  I submit that we should declare a national shame holiday where we whip ourselves.