The Constitution of the United States fits on six printed pages. After the 1,990 page health care bill last year, Congress decided that bills were getting too long and too complex. Subsequently, a bill was passed limiting the number of pages that would be allowed in any single bill, known as the ‘Bill-Ceiling Bill’.

“It makes perfect sense that bills are getting longer; it’s called inflation,” Senator Bushman explains. “I’m sick of hearing these constitution comparisons. A $100 hair cut cost like 5 cents back then.”

The Bill-Ceiling has already been raised 26 times since it was originally created, and congress is in session once again to discuss another Bill-Ceiling increase for the latest revision of the ‘Corporate Donor Stimulus Bill’ which outlines the requirements under which corporations may receive a waiver for the health care bill.

When asked whether or not the Bill-Ceiling has ever caused any bills to be shortened, or prevented their passage. Senator Bushman replied, “Of course not. What a ridiculous thing to prevent important legislation from passing. We pretty much have to pass a ‘Raise The Bill-Ceiling Bill’ before we pass any new bill. In fact, our last bill to raise the ceiling was over the limit previously established.”

When asked what the purpose of the bill was, considering that the average number of pages per bill has nearly doubled since the original ‘Bill Ceiling Bill’ passed, Bushman answered, ”…to show the American people we hear them, to show we are serious about this issue. We’ll pass 1,000 more bills on this issue if we have to. Money is no object.”

by John Roberts

In response to the attempted bombing of a Christmas gathering in Oregon, Homeland Security has decided to take security measures to the next level.

After successfully quelling any Christian retribution in Oregon through increased security measures, Janet Napolitano has decided that her department must create a new agency to protect Muslims nationwide. This agency will be called the Muslim Security Agency (MSA).

Napolitano explains her decision. “Every time there is Muslim violence against Christians or other Americans, I wonder to myself how many Muslims this is putting in danger. It’s our job to protect them.”

The MSA will be responsible for performing a vigorous pat down of every non-Muslim that comes within 50 yards of all mosques and other Muslim gathering places.

One new MSA security hire was asked how one could identify a non-Muslim and responded, ”Are you kidding me? Nonnies dress differently, have different skin color….They’re butt easy to find.”

When asked why the Muslims aren’t patted down he said, “Duh! Muslims aren’t going to blow themselves up! Besides it’s against their religion to get pat downs. Listen, they are the victims here. No need to pour salt on an open wound.”

Reverse profiling charges filed by the ACLU have yet to gain any traction.

“Just a warning to all Christians out there. Every time there’s an act of violence by Muslims, we’re going to beef up Muslim security just that much more,” added Napolitano. “Don’t even think about trying anything. It’s been a long time since the crusades in Europe and Christians are seriously overdue for some violence. We’re watching you.”

by John Roberts

The most anticipated stimulus, probably ever, was implemented this week, and the ripple effect has already been felt throughout the economy. Although much of what has resulted is somewhat unexpected.

Federal Reserve chairman explains his decision-making process behind the million dollar stimulus. “When we decided to dump more money into the economy, we were so sick and tired of spending trillions of dollars on stimulus money that never stimulated anything but the money printing press. We decided to try giving free money to the people…..We have no idea what we’re doing.”

One of the unanticipated effects of the stimulus is an almost 100% drop in the labor force. Former Wal Mart Employee Todd Page tells of his decision to quit. “I ain’t workin’ no eight dollar’n hour job. I’m a millionaire!”

As millions of people took to the streets to spend their stimulus money, almost all have found their intended destinations closed, due to lack of work force.

One creative electronics store owner in New York City has found a way to capitalize. “I’m paying all of my employees $1200 per hour to work. I also had to jack up the prices of our products 1000% to pay them, but our doors are open.”

 It’s not just electronics that have seen a rise in price.

“I’ve had my eye on this million dollar home ever since Obama became president, but there was no way I could afford it,” one aspiring home owner, Jerry Beus, related. “As soon as I got my stimulus check I went to buy the house, but the price keeps going up every day. It’s at like $2 million now.” The house is also for sale by owner, as the real estate agent has been using all of her waking hours searching for an open furniture store so she can buy a new couch.

“This is messed up man,”  insisted a local resident. “I still can’t afford anything. Somebody’s going to have to give me more money!”

 “If things don’t settle down soon, I’m going to have to lower interest rates,” says Bernanke. “It’s a hail mary, but it’s the only other trick I know.”

 Only time will tell if the Fed can pull us out of this recession. It’s still to early to tell if this one has a chance.

By John Roberts

Fresh off of a win over toys in McDonald’s Happy Meals, the San Francisco legislature has a new enemy in its sights, fortune cookies.

Legislator Pam Cushman explains their stance. “Intelligent individuals understand that the so-called “fortune” received in a fortune cookie does not always come true. Most people in our city don’t realize this and make life changing decisions based on the advice of these cookies. We need to be here to protect them.”

The most public case of cookie caused damages was Robinson v. Panda Express, where 68 year old Maury Robinson stopped going to her full time job to try beginning a career as a DJ after reading the fortune from a cookie that read “Pursue your passions and you will find success.” Maury’s brief jaunt as a DJ was unsuccessful, and she has been living off of unemployment, and Social Security retirement for the last 12 months.

“This is completely negligent on the part of  the restaurant, the city, and the cookie manufacturer,” according to the prosecutor on the case. “There is no asterisk on the fortune saying that it is only for entertainment purposes. No warning that citizens shouldn’t put their life’s savings on the lottery numbers advised by their fortune…. Actually, I didn’t take that case. They couldn’t afford me.”

Under the new law, fortune cookie manufacturers will be required to put more realistic “fortunes” in the cookies in San Francisco. Examples given by the legislature were “Your current job is probably the best one you can find,” or “Don’t take risks, you’re doing just fine,” and ”Don’t ever follow the advice of a fortune cookie.”

Ms. Cushman concludes “In San Francisco we’ve had enough of the intelligence-based discrimination that is being perpetrated on the rest of the country. This should be a place where nobody has to think about whether they should or should not do something. Thinking is overrated, so in San Francisco, you don’t have to do it.”

The legislature also hopes that they can use the cookies as a means for advertising government services like food stamps, where, they say, participation is lower than ideal.

Scientists at Harvard and UCSD have found a gene that contributes to liberal tendencies.

Professor Raymond at Harvard University suggested “We’re not sure yet what the implications of our research are, but we know that the first step to finding a cure is finding the cause.”

There have been mixed feelings about the discovery by liberals. One stating that “This is proof that we deserve special rights. We were born this way. Anyway, we don’t appreciate being called ‘liberal’. We prefer ‘socially dependent’.”

Conservatives argue that liberals already have special rights, such as food stamps, subsidized housing, unemployment, medicaid, and other social programs helping mainly liberals.

Other liberals are taking aim at the conservative advertising trying to push liberals to vote conservative. “Republican advertising should totally be illegal. It’s so offensive. Like we can just change our genes or something. We were born liberal. This is not a lifestyle choice. Quit trying to change us you bigots!”

Doctors have said that at some point in the near future testing can be done on a fetus to alert parents if their child is a carrier. Liberal politicians worry that testing children in the womb for the liberal gene may result in a decrease of their voter base through an increase of abortions of liberal babies. Democrats in Congress are taking steps to pre-emptively outlaw abortion nationwide.

Drug companies stand to become the biggest beneficiaries of the research. Merck has already begun development of a new drug for treatment, calling it, Personal Responsibilivoxx.

By John Roberts

Government officials are finally getting serious about cutting budgets. While McDonald’s has come under fire over the years for serving unhealthy food, one thing has become clear, it’s not killing anyone….at least, not immediately. It’s reward? Complete regulatory control over the nations food.

Senators have debated the efficacy of the regulatory process overseen by the FDA and the USDA, seeing that 5,000 people die from food poisoning each year in the United States, and none of them are by food from McDonald’s.

During the senate hearings between the FDA and McDonald’s, a spokesperson from the FDA stated, “The more people that die from food poisoning each year, the more important our Administration becomes.”A McDonald’s representative rebutted, “The more people that die from food we serve each year, the more we aren’t in business any more. Killing people is bad business, so we don’t do it.”

Bad business indeed. An incident involving Jack in the Box in 1993 nearly put the company out of business, when 6 people died and many became sick from USDA approved meat that was cooked following FDA regulations.

The FDA spokesperson argued that if companies go out of business for killing people, then the FDA would have been out of business a long time ago.

McDonald’s CEO has agreed to regulate the entire food industry in the United States for a total of $0, cutting nearly $100 billion in the federal budget from the FDA and the USDA. “The standard is set so low that I’m not sure we really have to do anything to beat last year’s numbers. Look, people are going to have to start thinking for themselves, instead of falsely believing the government has looked at and approved of every piece of food going into their mouth.”

Senator Beshower from Maryland noted that the yearly cost for food regulation is about $333 per citizen and suggested that a $333 refund be given to all 76 million people who became ill from food poisoning last year, including the 325,000 who were hospitalized. Further debate is expected on the refunds.

by John Roberts

This week’s results episode of American Idol was a 2 hour special including a fund raiser for “Idol Gives Back”, featuring many organizations helping less fortunate individuals all around the world. It was a successful night, raising nearly $45 million. The thing that stood out most to me was the fact that our country is a piece of crap that needs to be fundamentally changed. You’ll see what I mean.

Many Hollywood stars traveled to the areas of need to tell the stories of the affected individuals and families. There were the normal stops in developing countries, showing typical stories of parents dying of malaria, leaving children parentless, when a $5 net, or some DDT would have been all that was needed. Or an AIDS infected mother who gave birth to a little girl who is also now infected with AIDS. She looked like she weighed about 20 lbs, and was about 4 years old. Totally cliche. Also about how there are 27 million slaves in the world, and a story of a girl who was nearly sold as a sex slave, blah blah blah.

Anyway, now to the really sad stuff. Did you know that there are families, right here in the United States, that have to drive to food pantries to get free food? Right here in the United States! It’s unbelievable. And also, there are some children in the United States that don’t have any books! In the United freaking States! NO BOOKS! Also, one family lives really far from the doctor so they have to get care from a doctor in an RV that travels to them. The humanity!

I’m not sure why Idol felt like the visit to other countries was necessary when there is such profound need in our own. Let’s stop fretting about the insignificant malaria and AIDS deaths, and the sex slave trade. We have our own problems.

Our system is obviously broken. The free market has failed. We need fundamental change. A free book per week to every child. Free food delivered to every home so you don’t have to go get it. A doctor in every home. Aren’t these fundamental rights for every American? I think they’re even in the Constitution.

In conclusion, let’s just get back to the constitution everyone. “Americans should have everything and everything should be free.” I’m paraphrasing of course, but I believe that was Thomas Jefferson, or the 4th ammendment or something.

US Energy Secretary, Steven Chu, recently proposed that all black streets and roof tops be painted white as a measure to help curb global warming. The theory behind this proposal is that lighter colors would reflect the suns rays back into space, rather than trap them in the earth and increase global temperatures.

Al Gore immediately jumped on board and purchased stock in a paint company that claims to have the whitest white paint color available, called “whitey white”. Several proposals have been made to congress to immediately begin painting all of the roads and rooftops in the world.

While this initially sounded feasible, at a price of $500 billion, it was concluded that the paint had to be applied by people, thus raising the cost, with labor, to $700 trillion. Al Gore is still pushing for this option, as his shares in the “whitey white” company have become difficult to sell.

His sights seem to be shifted as a large number of shares have been purchased in a chemical company that manufactures hair dye. Many were confused by this move until this weekend, when Secretary Chu began a new campaign marketing blonde as the new green.

“Blonde IS the new green!” He exclaimed proudly. “We’ve found an even better, and more fashionable way to reflect the suns rays into space. The part of your body that sees the sun the most is the top of your head. The majority of the world has dark hair, aborbing the suns heat. If we can just convince people to go green by going blonde, we can postpone the inevitable destruction of the earth from global warming by 6 months!”

While there isn’t an official price tag, estimates from all accounts show that this approach would be much cheaper than painting all of the roofs and streets in the world.

Critics immediately decried the policy as racist, and are attempting to block any tax increases on the “dark-haired”. Al Gore has not been found for comment on the charges of racism.

by John Roberts

In light of recent events involving death threats from Republicans, Christian teabaggers, and conservatives, we wanted to make our readers aware of the dangers that are around us today, and arm you with information to prevent yourself from entering a dangerous situation. Nancy Pelosi has witnessed this violence first hand. It almost made her cry. Please study the following and pass it along. It may just save a life.

The following are sure ways to spot a conservative (then run for your life):

1. They wear necklaces or other jewelry bearing the cross. This is a Christian symbol representing death to all.

2. They drive SUV’s. They clearly do not value human life and are voluntarily destroying our planet and life as we know it. They won’t think twice about taking yours.

3. They own guns. The better to kill you with.

4. They support the death penalty. This is obvious.

5. They support the military. The military kills people.

6. They are against abortion. I’m confused about this one. I guess they enjoy killing people when they’re older.

7. They promote abstinence until marriage, yet they have more children. More people to kill?

8. Diplomacy is not an option for them. Hardly anyone ever dies in diplomacy.

9. They hate the UN. The UN never killed anyone….I think.

10. They don’t want universal health care. They love when sick people die.

Of course there are other clues. Use common sense. Don’t go into conservative communities after dark. Turn off your voicemal. We can make America a safer place for our children.

by John Roberts

Politicians in Washington have been engaging in what they term, “Creative Spending”, to give a boost to another sagging industry, TV advertising. Instead of simply giving funds to television networks, they are buying advertising for this year’s census, and not just a little.

“The government has bought up nearly all of our extra inventory. This has really been a boost for our business.” Larry Salazar of CBN added, “it doesn’t even matter that our programming is really terrible. Hey, we can’t all have American Idol.”

Senator Jane Spenderson of Nevada explains, “People have asked me why they are seeing so many commercials for the 2010 census. I don’t think anybody truly believes that people are too stupid to fill out a card and put it in the mail. This is strictly for stimulus reasons. Strictly for job creation.”

Reports coming out of the White House show that “Cash for Cable” has created, or saved, at least 25 jobs, at a price tag of $250 million. Although it is unclear the exact number, as some of these jobs reported were in districts that don’t exist. An official spokesperson for the White House said they would be working to get the errors fixed, and would be hiring at least 3 people to do the job, putting the total number of jobs created or saved at 28.

Some fiscal conservatives believe that $100 million per job is too much money. Jane Spenderson rebuts, “try telling that to the people who now have jobs. Try telling that to their children. This program is really for the children after all.”

Leaked information from White House insiders show that the billboard and newspapers are next. Names for these programs are supposed to be debated on the Senate floor over the next few weeks. Some of the most popular have been “Bonuses for Billboards”, and “Free Money Because Newspapers Don’t Suck”.