Startling news from Washington tonight, as it seems the new crime law that was recently passed may have been based on some faulty research. In early 2009, multiple scientists received instruction to investigate and predict future violent crimes, and may have released their findings a bit too quickly. The law passed early this year raised taxes on products deemed “dangerous” roughly 340%, and fined companies and specialty groups using any of the blacklisted items. In addition, it enacted a nation-wide curfew of 9:30, and gives monetary incentives for anyone who can go one whole calendar year without committing too many violent crimes.

The research, which is now in question, was completed by the newly founded Crime Board, which was made up of the same team that helped enact air pollution laws in California in 2007. Their estimates foretold that there would be roughly 1 million murders in the year 2010, which boils down to 1 in every 300 people being killed. This hypothesis was based on the tracking of sales for guns, knives, baseball bats and other items deemed threatening by the scientists. Independent researchers have now stepped in, however, and have found huge overestimates in the Crime Board’s work on violent crime and has attributed the flawed work to a faulty method of calculation.

“In hindsight, we might have wanted to base the research more in actual crimes, instead of crimes we thought might have happened,” stated Professor Henry Fairview, one of the scientists who received government funding for the research. “But when it comes right down to it, the government wanted stricter laws on crime, so we helped to facilitate that change.”

It is estimated that the federal government paid roughly $30 million for the research, and then an additional $500 million on putting the law in place, most notably installing X-Ray machines in the lobbies and foyers of every public building to help cut down on the movement of dangerous items and the sizable tax incentives promised to those who didn’t commit crimes.

“The majority of Americans, it turns out, didn’t commit any violent crimes at all in the 10 months since this law was enacted,” says politician and former proud supporter of the Crime Board Research Fund Kevin Hayward. “We might have to really rethink the $10,000 tax incentive for those adults who committed less than 3 violent crimes.”

The research is currently being repeated by the independent researchers, and the law will be repealed until more reliable numbers can be agreed upon.

A bold move from the House and the Senate today as rumors have begin circulating about the new “God-Blocking Bill” to be proposed just in time for the 2010 Midterm Elections. The new bill moves to “keep God out of governmental affairs until voting has concluded” and help “even the playing field for all candidates”. However, it encourages God to “return to politics after the election. It would be nice to have some help answering the hard questions facing America.”

“It’s not like we’re afraid,” stated a congressman, who wished to remain anonymous, “We just don’t want there to be an unfair advantage for people deemed ‘pious’ or ‘righteous’. Let’s just play with the cards already in our hands, okay?”

The bill arrives in the midst of a slew of last-minute proposals as the Democratic controlled Congress adjourns to begin concentration on campaigning for the November 2 elections. In essence, the bill states that God shouldn’t be allowed to take part for two main reasons: 1. He technically hasn’t ever registered to vote, and 2. He seems to hold too much sway over a large number of voters.

“It just seems when God gets brought into things, it tends to muddy up the waters. We just want the elections to be smooth sailing,” continues the congressman.

Enemies of the bill have been quick to decry the actions of these politicians, stating that it is a ploy to keep power in the same hands. The bill is being rapidly labeled as “heresy” and “blasphemy”. To combat these claims, several proponents of the bill have released the following press statement:

“We want to make something very clear. In moving to pass this bill we are NOT claiming to believe that a ‘God’ exists. We simply think that if there is such a being, He should have to go through the same process that all Americans do. If God shows up and registers to vote, He will be allowed to vote. Of course, He will still be expected to prove some form of legal citizenship.”

The White House still refuses to comment on whether or not President Obama will pass the bill before its October 31st deadline. Either way, the November elections are going to be interesting.

Some Dude at Press Conference

Earlier this week, employees of MSNBC were startled to find a man prepping in their green room, for what he assured them was a scheduled press conference. Upon further investigation, they realized that an entire hour of their programming indeed had been reserved by one “Joe B”.

“Really, it took us all by surprise,” said Robert Hughes, the man responsible for Monday’s programming schedule. “I am usually Johnny-on-the-spot with memorizing the most important upcoming events, but this flew way under my radar.”

“It was really weird,” stated Rachel Cavendish, a photojournalist for MSNBC. “One of our janitors came out of the green room talking about ‘some crazy dude’ who ‘swears he knows President Obama’.”

“We actually had to call all the way up the chain-of-command to our  COO who told us, ‘I guess if he had the money to pay for the hour, put him on for the hour!’,” continued Hughes. “I called all the staff back to the office. They had actually all gone to a birthday lunch for one of our employees. They were pretty bummed to hear they had to come back.”

News Reporter David Roberts said, “I got a call about 10 minutes after the hour saying that some old guy had gathered everyone for a press conference. I guess none of the other news stations had really showed up yet, so they kind of begged me to come in. It was surreal. As other reporters and anchors slowly filtered in, this guy kept rambling on about how the ‘American people’ had ‘washed our memories clean of him’. It was just so strange. He was very eloquent though, like he had given speeches before or something. Maybe he’s an English professor that has won some awards?”

When asked what questions Roberts had asked the man he simply stated, “No one really asked any questions. When he opened the floor, most of us hadn’t really been paying attention. There were a few awkward moments of silence, then he yanked his mic off, and stormed off the stage.”

In the press conference, the man urged citizens to remember the Vice President and learn more about cabinet-level officers. He went on to brag about Obama’s accomplishments as President, and how nice Hillary Clinton is in person. He finished his statement by exclaiming “I’m the Vice President! I’m the VP! Don’t you know me?!”.

In it’s latest polls, MSNBC estimates roughly 2,000 people tuned in for the broadcast, and yet just over 6.5 million watched the re-run of the USA-Canada hockey game that aired directly after the press conference.

Although multiple attempts to identify the man have proven fruitless, a new lead may have been found. An anonymous letter sent from the White House to the U.S. Senate has launched an investigation into their records, stating “That man may, at one time or another, have been a senator or something.”

We here at Narf.TV will keep readers posted if the true identity of this man is ever discovered.

Protesting the Good Protest

By John Wharff

For those of us concerned with the state of our great union, good news is just down the pipeline. Recently announced is the new American Freedom Anti-Propaganda and Family/Education Safety Act, or “The Bald Eagle Act” for short. As its name implies, this act has far-reaching and vast-sweeping effects, all of which are geared specifically towards helping America, Families, Freedom, Education, Safety or other important things that will be tacked onto the end of this bill along the way. Also, it aims to help people understand that propaganda is bad. Not necessarily our propganda here at home, but the bad guys’ propaganda. Real, real bad.

First, laws will be emplaced to help make you free. You might think, “Well, I thought I was free”. Don’t be silly. This is going to give you levels of freedom that would make your head explode if you even could imagine them. So free, there are really no words to describe it. Just know, freedom.

Next, as mentioned, it will help to let people know of the evils of propaganda. We didn’t really have enough pages written on propaganda to make it its own law, so we just kind of threw it in here. Hey, it’s important.

Additional powers will be given to families, like more time to spend enjoying sunny weather for recreational activities (see our endnotes on climate change). Also, we will make sure that older siblings stop picking on younger siblings by giving year end benefits to those kids who pick on their brothers and sisters less. Moms and Dads will enjoy more quality time together as babysitting will become much more lucrative with our new policies on government money for babysitting and new convict-to-babysitter programs. Look for families to become a lot more awesome.

We might give money to schools. Unless we use it somewhere else. Moving on.

The rest of the act gets really wordy, and I haven’t really had the free time to read it. I have been really busy doing other important things, but lots of people who also haven’t really read the whole thing have good feelings about it too. So, it’s a really good idea. There were some rumors started that somewhere around page 4500 there was something about “destroying the constitution” and “placing an emperor over the dumb sheep” and “sacrificing 1/2 of all children to a bloodthirsty god”, but those rumor were started by people who wear suits all day. Suits.

In conclusion, remember that if you don’t support this act it means not only are you a pinko-commie, freedom hating, pro-Big Brother, family hating, dumb child loving jerk who likes danger, you also are probably a meanie who wants to club bald eagles to death. Shame on you.

FORE!!!

I have a certain group of friends I like to golf with. A certain friend, who for privacy purposes I will refer to as “Phil” for the remainder of this article, has a horrible habit. Not being the best golfer ever, he often finds himself in a bad position after the tee shot. Usually, either directly behind a tree, deep in a sand trap, or 15 feet to the left of the tee. Every, single time we plead with Phil to chip his shot back out onto the fairway to get a good approach lie. But, Phil will inevitably club up, take aim, and try his hardest to force the ball to the green from his current position. He always trusts that if he hits the ball hard enough, he will escape his horrible spot, and be able to catch up to the rest of us. However, 95% of the time, his efforts land him in an even worse situation then he started in. Despite this cycle, Phil will never change. He won’t swallow his pride enough to just chip the ball out, take the stroke, and move on.

For those of you who enjoy golf enough to still be reading, realize that congress has this exact same policy when it comes to passing bills. Quotes hinting at this have been echoing through all major news organizations: “[President Obama] has directed the Congress to ram Obamacare through, by one vote if necessary”, “Everyone knows health care is a problem. It needs well thought-out comprehensive solutions, not something you ram through because your ego is so big”, and “they’re going to ram it through whether we like it or whether the American people like it.”

Now, Phil is a great guy. He realizes the problems in front of him, and really just wants to be past them. It’s just so darn painful to watch him try to muscle his way through them. Congress – please take a lesson from my friend Phil. We all understand how bad things are. “Ramming” things through is never a good option. Let’s take a second, look at what’s going on, and maybe just chip it on out. Trust me, we’ll both be better for it.

by John Wharff

History books are full of the moments that forever changed the world. Whether they were the actions of individuals, or entire nations, these moments were deemed worthy and recorded for future posterity. Now children are memorizing not only the Pledge of Allegiance (if not outlawed at time of posting), but also parts of famous speeches and documents like The Gettysburg Address or The Bill of Rights. I personally believe this practice does a wonderful job at teaching America’s youth not to learn history, but mindlessly regurgitate information that will never help them become contributing citizens. But what you might not know is that most of these documents have been altered and censored to make them more family-friendly.

Lately, with the pass of President Obama’s Health Care Reform Bill, we got a small glimpse into the live, unedited truth of American History. Directly after embracing our President, Vice President Biden leaned in and whispered (or tried to whisper) into our Commander-in-Chief’s ear, “This is a big f****** deal.” Which gives me cause to revisit history, or the truth of history.

The beloved quote by Neil Armstrong now memorized as, “One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind” is actually incorrectly repeated. What was actually said was, “Holy S*** this is probably going to be pretty f****** important, you know?”

The extremely influential first line of the Declaration of Independence is now written as, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” Really, it was more simply put as, “We’re pretty d*** sure that all motherf****** are about the same, and the bulls*** shouldn’t stop nobody.”

And my last example is that of the patriotic inaugural address of President John F. Kennedy. Every proud citizen of the U.S.A. remembers the quote, “And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country.” What was really said was, “F*** the bulls***, let’s get this party started!”

I’m sure that in 20 years time,  elementary students will hear the then patriofied words of Vice President Biden echo through the hallways of our schools, “Mr. President, long will live the historic importantance of this, the moment we sign into effect this patriotic and far sweeping bill of health for our fellow brethren and sisters of America.”

When first put on the shelves, or tarmac rather, NASA was looking to make $42 Million on each vehicle, but has since lowered it’s price to a thrifty $28.8 million. But, before you bust out your checkbook, note that these vehicles come without engines. Don’t let that stop you though, I’m sure your local Hobby Lobby or Robert’s Craft has plenty of choices for rocket engines. Or you could always place a call to Stark Industries or The Wayne Corporation.

Despite the fact that the shuttles will most likely be sold to various museums throughout the world, thus keeping us normal citizens from enjoying them, the real magic is President Obama’s stroke of self-funding genius I think we need to take it a step further, however, and roll this ideal out to all government organizations, only specially tailored to fit each individual group.

Does your school need money for teachers, supplies, or food? Hold bake sales. Sell old textbooks and desks, or maybe auction of wings of your school to be named after whoever forks out the dough to buy them. Also, the Postal Service could offer gift wrapping for all parcels and letters and offer run rides in their MailMobiles.

But the ultimate source of self-funded governmental goodness could be the very senators, representatives and other government employees throughout this nation. We all know that certain allegations have been made about certain civil servants and certain wom

For Sale!

en of the night. But just think of the capital making power! Instead of seeking the comfort of prostitutes, government workers everywhere could become prostitutes, thus funding their entire time in office! Our government could become entirely self-sustaining!

Think about it America. The future is waiting.

Who is to blame? YOU!

by John Wharff

Now, a second group of people have rose up to belittle not Reid, but President Obama himself. They feel as though he is missing an important opportunity to speak out against racism and build bridges for the American people. They feel that by doing nothing, he is, in effect, condoning the actions of Reid.

I, personally, feel that we need to take things even a step further. Let me be the first to fire a warning shot at the real enemy in this situation, me. I feel that I really haven’t done enough publicly decry Mr. Reid’s thoughtless and racist remarks. How dare you Mr. Reid. Shame on you. In holding a position such as yours, I thought it was a rule you had to think before you spoke. Or was this one of the speeches you actually wrote yourself? Ridiculous.

I also would like to take this moment to comment on our President’s actions. What are you thinking? Why have you not held a press conference lately? We really need you to fix more of these problems more quickly. It seems like you are spending a little too much time “flying to conferences” and “holding peace-keeping meetings”. Let’s see a little more correction of individuals who make mistakes please. If you won’t do it, I’ll silently hate you until someone else gets put in your place.

Lastly, let me address myself. Slacker. You should have wrote this long ago. You think long and hard about what you have done here.

Now that that’s been taken care of, we can get back to blaming anyone and everyone who has the audacity to make a mistake in a public forum. Most TV shows are taking a seasonal break, so I need some scandal with which to fill my time. What has Paris Hilton been up to lately, anyways? Or maybe a Bush daughter? Or former President Bill Clinton? Come on, anything. In the meantime I assure you I will be doing my part to continue the angry finger-pointing circle until it returns again.

by John Wharff

If you have read a newspaper or turned on the news lately, you have noticed that health care is one of the most heavily debated topics of the current administration. Some are looking for small changes, making it easier for citizens to get the proper amount of care. Others are calling for a complete overhaul of the system itself, moving into a more socialistic practice. Helping to fuel the fire is the sudden and devastating onset of the H1N1 virus, or Swine Flu. Starting as a small epidemic in early spring of 2009, it hit the world hard during flu season. And with the onset of the holidays, we have a much more serious illness on our hands.

Each year, as we gather into groups of family and loved ones, a silent sick comes creeping up on us. The latest virus, the JOSN1 (for Jolly Old Saint Nick) strain of the flu, has had severe and far-reaching effects. It seems that nearly 65% of the nations workforce has taken 1 or more sick days following the end-of-the-year celebrations, not accounting for tardiness caused by malfunctioning alarm clocks (nearly 50% of alarm clocks, even those received brand new on Christmas day, malfunction in the work days following the 25th of December). Workplaces are almost desolate in the aftermath of this quick-acting ailment. Also, schools are closed for the majority of the season, in anticipation of JOSN1′s effects.

If you have not heard anything about this bug, don’t feel bad. Most people have not heard of the Santa Virus, and for good reason. It seems that it carries with it a wide range of symptoms, both positive and negative. Here’s a quick list to help you and your loved ones:

• Laziness
  
• Drowsiness
• Feelings of Nostalgia
• Strong Desire to Help Others
• Sudden Hunger for Junk Food
• Stomach Ache

There is a way to protect yourself and your families. Along with the basic practices during the flu season (hand washing, good hygienic practices, etc.) you can take a few extra steps:

1. Avoid parties where people who already have JOSN1 will be.
2. Wash the dishes used for milk and cookies well before reusing them.
3. Drink plenty of fluids, especially those with Vitamin C.

Together, we can work towards stopping the spread of JOSN1, and avoid the work shortages that always ensue. Make sure to stay away from those already sick, and if you start to experience any JOSN1 symptoms, seek the advice of your medical care provider.