by John Roberts

In response to the attempted bombing of a Christmas gathering in Oregon, Homeland Security has decided to take security measures to the next level.

After successfully quelling any Christian retribution in Oregon through increased security measures, Janet Napolitano has decided that her department must create a new agency to protect Muslims nationwide. This agency will be called the Muslim Security Agency (MSA).

Napolitano explains her decision. “Every time there is Muslim violence against Christians or other Americans, I wonder to myself how many Muslims this is putting in danger. It’s our job to protect them.”

The MSA will be responsible for performing a vigorous pat down of every non-Muslim that comes within 50 yards of all mosques and other Muslim gathering places.

One new MSA security hire was asked how one could identify a non-Muslim and responded, ”Are you kidding me? Nonnies dress differently, have different skin color….They’re butt easy to find.”

When asked why the Muslims aren’t patted down he said, “Duh! Muslims aren’t going to blow themselves up! Besides it’s against their religion to get pat downs. Listen, they are the victims here. No need to pour salt on an open wound.”

Reverse profiling charges filed by the ACLU have yet to gain any traction.

“Just a warning to all Christians out there. Every time there’s an act of violence by Muslims, we’re going to beef up Muslim security just that much more,” added Napolitano. “Don’t even think about trying anything. It’s been a long time since the crusades in Europe and Christians are seriously overdue for some violence. We’re watching you.”

President Obama shows the necessary resolve to keep Al Qaeda from interrupting his vacation.